Conventional parenting wisdom tells us, “You are the parent, not your child’s friend!” This causes a tragic and unecessary loss of connection. Why not be a parent AND a friend? After all, a true friend is anyone you like and trust, someone you listen to for advice and turn to for comfort - all worthy qualities of a parent.
Certainly, we want to be knowable and trustworthy to our children. Being nice, sweet, kind and authentic is important to all relationships. Therefore, aspiring to be seen by your child as a friend – a true friend – is a worthy goal.
Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: | being a friend to your child, parent-child relationships
The way I see it, my child deserves to be treated with as much respect as I give a friend. Where i will draw the line though is my child does not deserve to be burdened by my worries and concerns. I am there to support my child, never the other way around. Also I must never let my desire for a friendly relationship with my child keep me from making a decision that my child won’t like but that I know will be in his best interest in the long term. I guess it boils down to wanting my chid to view me as a friend (as in enjoy spending time with me, having fun together, being a confidant, being trustworthy, being “safe”), but to be conscious of appropriate boundries in how much I draw on my child’s friendship.
I agree with the first part – not so much the second. Yes we should be there to support our children, not the other way around, and we shouldn’t burden them with our problems. However, referring to your second point, if we make a decision on our child’s behalf that the child doesn’t like for ‘their own good’, this can often be a parental excuse to do all sorts of disrespectful things to our children. I am not saying you are doing that, but many parents do from controlling what their child eats/wears/watches etc to punishing them; all for ‘their own good’ to protect them or teach them a lesson. If your child doesn’t like a decision you make for them on their behalf I would seriously question that decision.
At this point in my relationship with my son examples of such decisions have been things like stopping dangerous activities. For example, he’s 2 years old and wants to run around the pool on the wet concrete. Instead he needs to walk, either beside me or holding my hand, his choice. But he’s not pleased about not being able to run because he is excited and it feels good. Or to have the doctor examine him when he is ill. He has sensory processing disorder and any form of exam is distressful even when done slowly, gently, calmly and with explanation of each step ahead of time. He wants me to take him home immediately, instead I know we need to stay to find the cause of the illness and to receive a treatment plan. He would prefer to eat cookies, I know he needs nutritious food. He gets a lot of choice within the realm of “nutritious”. Food texture is a major issue with him as far as the SPD is concerned. I never force him to eat anything he finds uncomfortable. I have never forced him to eat anything period, nor will I. But I will regulate the rationing of the empty calories in amount and timing and teach him why until he is able to make such decisions maturely for himself. These decisions are all in his best interest. I believe in gentle parenting and I treat him respectfully, but he is still displeased with my decisions in the moment at times. I’m sure these issues will get much more complex as he gets older. It is good to continually question the decisions to monitor oneself from falling into the trap of controlling for sake of personal enjoyment of that control, but human children are born in need of adult guidance and they won’t necessarily always like that guidance until they have gained the maturity to understand the reasoning behind it themselves.
Obviously an upset child is better than a seriously hurt or dead child but it really isn’t an either/or choice. You can have a principle of ‘safety and health are important’ for your family without distressing your child. There is almost always a way not to cause distress to your child, whilst still living by your principles, and that is the crux of progressive parenting.
Often what children truly need is less ‘adult guidance’ and to be truly listened to when they are expressing a need. Sure there are those times when they simply ‘have to’ undergo something they won’t like – a lifesaving injection for example, but in reality this is rare. Yet our day to day lives with our children are often consumed with ‘have tos’; you ‘have to’ leave the park, you ‘have to’ be quiet in the library, you ‘have to’ eat at the table now, you ‘have to’ stop at 2 cookies, you ‘have to’ stop watching tv after this program, you ‘have to’ stop running around the pool. These aren’t real have tos, they are parenting choices.
How does this look in real-life? Well, if my 2 year old wanted to run around the pool (which I personally see as dangerous too), I would scoop her up, sing to her or aeroplane her in the air and then jump right back in. I would keep it light and fun, and not focus on creating a safety announcement for a child that age. If the activity became too stressful I would avoid that activity for a while. With my daughter, we recently stopped doing story-time at the library for that reason The expectation to sit still and listen was just too overwhelming for her at the moment so we no longer attend. I see many other parents there, however, causes distress to their child by forcing them to sit still. I don’t see this as mindful or respectful.
With food, which is a HUGE issue for many parents, Sherelee is right. Being progressive involves giving our children what the vast majority of adults do not possess – the ability to truly listen to our bodies and develop an intuitive, healthy relationship with food. This can only be achieved by having the freedom to eat what you want, when you want, where you want, with no judgement or labelling of what you consider ‘healthy’ or ‘nutritious’ and what is ‘junk’. Afterall, the nutritionists can’t even agree on that – there is the no grain, low-carb, high-carb/low-fat, high fat/low carb, organic, raw, vegan, vegetarian, Weston Price, Zone, – I could go on!. Therefore, for PP’s, food is food and kids learn what makes THEM feel good and what doesn’t. If you control, restrict. limit or shame your children’s food choices in any way then they will not be in tune with their own bodies when it comes to food. Share what you believe make you feel good, sure, but don’t force that on your child.
Parents so often find it unbelievable that when children haven’t been raised with the ‘forbidden fruit’ or ‘clear your plate’ mentality, that even very young children self-regulate a balanced diet, and don’t choose to live off a diet of chips, candy and soda. In fact, I wish I could eat the way my children eat – they only eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full, no matter what is in front of them. I only wish I could do that!