The Pain of Shame – The Natural Parent Magazine

I have an article out this December entitled ‘The Pain of Shame’ in the awesome The Natural Parent Magazine which is available throughout Australia from the following stockists:
http://www.thenaturalparent.com.au/retailers/australia.php .  Make sure you check it out!

Why time-out is just as damaging as spanking

Even those of us who are against smacking will routinely use other discipline techniques to control and mould our children’s behaviour from a very early age. Below is a list of non-physical discipline measures in common use by mothers today that come highly recommended by ‘experts’, and a description of what is really going on psychologically for the child.

Time-out – Removing a child from a situation for inappropriate behaviour for a set number of minutes. Often an apology is required before the time-out can end.

When our children behave ‘badly’ they are either reaching out in some way, they simply haven’t learnt yet that certain behaviour isn’t ok, or they need reminding. However, rather than listening to them and looking behind (or beyond) the behaviour, this method excludes our child, shaming and ignoring them, and leading them to the conclusion that no-one wants to be with them in a moment when they really need loving support. Our children need to know that in their worst moments we are there for them.  

“For the frustrated and uncomfortable child, time-out offers enforced silence and the feeling of being rejected by one’s parents. A youngster who misbehaves and then is given time-out feels hurt. This hurt, combined with the frustration that caused the youngster to misbehave, gives birth to anger. And discipline practices like time-out, which create hurt and anger, can harm a child.” Peter Haiman, Ph.D, (The Case Against Time-Out, Mothering Magazine, 1998).

Grounding – Prohibiting a child from attending a particular social event or from engaging in particular activities. This technique may also incorporate particular tasks or chores which must be carried out instead and are designed to teach children appropriate behaviour.

Again, it doesn’t look behind the behaviour or address it in any way. All this will encourage is sneakiness and lying to ensure they don’t get caught and there is no lesson learnt. We won’t know our authentic child, just the parts they want us to see.

Taking Away Privileges – Prohibiting a child from taking advantage of certain privileges (usually those that they have earlier abused with inappropriate behaviour). Privileges are usually restored when a child can prove, through his/her behaviour, that (s)he understands and appreciates them.

Same deal as grounding; our child doesn’t learn to appreciate the effect of the ‘bad’ behaviour this way. They aren’t intrinsically motivated to behave appropriately, they are doing it to ensure they don’t get punished. Therefore, even if their behaviour improves in our company will it when we aren’t together? What would be their motivation for behaving well?

Ignoring Bad Behaviour, Rewarding Good Behaviour – This is where any bad behaviour is ignored and good behaviour receives praise and rewards. The theory being that children thrive on attention of any sort, even negative attention, so they may be behaving badly to get a reaction.

So despite our child’s desperate attempts to communicate with us with the tools they have, rather than respond to their emotions, we ignore them. When our child finally gives up trying to reach out, we reward them. This only teaches our children that it’s best to bury their emotions in front of us, because we don’t want to listen.

Punishments –This is where the child is made to do a chore or something else they dislike as punishment for the bad behaviour.

If you view your child as someone who is still learning and figuring out the world, as someone who requires regular guidance and feedback and who deserves respect, then punishment for making a mistake makes no sense at all.  They also will only learn to act a certain way for fear of getting caught, rather than being intrinsically motivated to do so, and often will behave very differently when adults are not present.

Overall, all these methods – both physical and non-physical – encourage us to exert control over our child’s will. This only leads them to behave in certain ways for fear of our reaction, rather than from a choice they made themselves because it made sense.  Fear creates a disconnection between us and our child as they begin to hide their true selves from us.  Letting go of control moves us closer towards a loving, respectful connection with our child and develops their sense of self.

May The Force Not Be With You!

If the “control force” is great with you, don’t turn it onto your spouse and your kids.  Use it to control your own stuff – work, clutter, books, clothing or whatever, if you must.  Just don’t turn that control beam onto the people you love as it will only move you further away from connection.

What is Progressive Parenting?

‘The Shepherdess’ parenting philosophy is based on Progressive Parenting.  The progressive parenting theory has its roots in attachment theory, which was originally proposed by John Bowlby who stated that an infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. Attachment theory encourages parents to listen to their babies cues and respond. It argues that any training or controlling over a baby by following a routine (such as controlled crying or sleep training) is damaging to the child and the connection they have with their parents.   Backed up by the latest research in the fields of sociology, zoology, anthropology, child psychology, neurology and psycho-history, Progressive Parenting extends the AP philosophy past the early years, and argues that parents need to continue to follow their child’s cues and unique needs, avoiding all form of discipline and punishment including time-out, rewards, praise, shame, and smacking.

Every day I help parents who want to be more progressive in their approach to move away from control and closer to connection.  Is it easy?  No, not always –parenting is a tough gig no matter what style you adopt.  No denials here.  But what this approach does promise is more joy and harmony with your brood than you ever imagined possible.  Won’t kids end up as unruly monsters?  Let’s be clear here –  parents should keep their kids safe and encourage respectful, socially acceptable behaviour.  But there are ways to do that without being controlling to the extent that children don’t have choices and options.  Children are still learning and figuring out their world and to do that they don’t need their requests denied and to be punished when they make mistakes; they need guidance and feedback. They need information and support. They need patience. They need to be listened to, validated and respected. They need a supporter rather than a dictator, an ally not an adversary. A wing-man. A partner. A friend.  They need doors opened to them rather than closed. They need a guide, not a policeman. They need a shepherdess.

So I encourage you to come here and ask questions, share your stories, concerns, problems and tips with us and maybe I will use them in my next book!  Here’s to progressive parenting and more peaceful homes around the world!

- The Shepherdess