Finding The Yes

Progressive parents focus on listening to the needs of their child, validating those needs and responding. We shouldn’t judge what our child wants but accept it as valid and do everything we can to try and meet that need. We need to try and ‘find the yes’ in any request our child is communicating to us (in their words or actions). In our culture we tend to say no so commonly it becomes almost a verbal tic for us – but why don’t we make more of an effort to always ‘find the yes’ for our child? Why are we always saying no?
Of course, this can be very difficult in the real world and sometimes safety, nature and time stop us from saying yes. The point is, though, we throw around the word ‘no’ for arbitrary reasons all the time, or simply for our own convenience. I have often thought if mothers were given a set of 200 ‘no’ cards when their baby was born, that once they ran out of they could no longer use, it would be interesting to see how quickly they were used up. In two years? Three? How wonderful if there were still some left over when they reached adulthood.
Progressive parents try not to use ‘no’ as their default response and say yes more – or some form of yes. It can be helpful to think that unless the request is a genuine safety issue then why not? Progressive parents  see their role as doing their utmost to ‘find the yes’ in any request – putting their child’s needs before what’s most convenient for them and dropping arbitrary rules for why they can’t do something.
‘Yes’ can come in all forms:

Yes, we can do that when I have finished this – if you help me we
can do it even sooner.
Yes, you can have that – let’s look at ways to help you save the
money.
Yes, we can do that later as I am tired or busy right now.
Yes, you can jump up and down, but how about we take it outside?
Yes, you can draw or paint on walls – but how about we do it on the
garage walls, or in the yard?
Yes, you can eat in the lounge – let me get a blanket for you or a
tray.
Yes, you can do some hammering – let’s move it outside and get
you some things you can smash.

Saying yes and affirming our children as human beings is a gift to everyone involved. So go ahead, say yes to your kids!

-Chaley.

Can anyone explain what it is to “unschool”?

It’s like “just say no.”

Just say no to school years and school schedules and school expectations, school habits and fears and terminology. Just say no to separating the world into important and unimportant things, into separating knowledge into math, science, history and language arts, with music, art and “PE” set in their less important little places.

Most of unschooling has to happen inside the parents. They need to spend some time sorting out what is real from what is construct, and what occurs in nature from what only occurs in school (and then in the minds of those who were told school was real life, school was a kid’s fulltime job, school was more important than anything, school would keep them from being ignorant, school would make them happy and rich and right).

It’s what happens after all that school stuff is banished from your life. – Sandra Dodd,  http://www.sandradodd.com

What is unschooling and how to make it work?

 Here is a fab article about unschooling. As an unschooling advocate and an unschooler myself, what I find disconcerting, but not at all surprising , is all the negative comments left which are very much rooted in fear. Some accused the nay-sayers of being brainwashed. What I will say is before I started unschooling it really shocked me to realise how many of, what I felt were, enlightened alternative viewpoints were every bit as ‘scripted’ as those of conventional parents. Alternative parents often parrot similar views back and forth to one another, reinforcing certain ideals that essentially are the same as conventional parenting: children need to learn our X and they won’t learn it without our intervention. Once I truly understood that learning is a basic human drive that was when unschooling took off. That said, I do not believe unschooling is better for every family. It doesn’t work if the parent isn’t adaptable to the changing needs of their children. That really is key. For example, a parent who prefers to be relaxed and spontaneous may not be able to adapt to a child who needs routines. Likewise, a parent who requires structure, cleanliness, and order and can’t let that go will not make a good unschooling parent. Parents must learn to adapt to the needs and interests of very different children for unschooling to thrive!

What is Progressive Parenting?

‘The Shepherdess’ parenting philosophy is based on Progressive Parenting.  The progressive parenting theory has its roots in attachment theory, which was originally proposed by John Bowlby who stated that an infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. Attachment theory encourages parents to listen to their babies cues and respond. It argues that any training or controlling over a baby by following a routine (such as controlled crying or sleep training) is damaging to the child and the connection they have with their parents.   Backed up by the latest research in the fields of sociology, zoology, anthropology, child psychology, neurology and psycho-history, Progressive Parenting extends the AP philosophy past the early years, and argues that parents need to continue to follow their child’s cues and unique needs, avoiding all form of discipline and punishment including time-out, rewards, praise, shame, and smacking.

Every day I help parents who want to be more progressive in their approach to move away from control and closer to connection.  Is it easy?  No, not always –parenting is a tough gig no matter what style you adopt.  No denials here.  But what this approach does promise is more joy and harmony with your brood than you ever imagined possible.  Won’t kids end up as unruly monsters?  Let’s be clear here –  parents should keep their kids safe and encourage respectful, socially acceptable behaviour.  But there are ways to do that without being controlling to the extent that children don’t have choices and options.  Children are still learning and figuring out their world and to do that they don’t need their requests denied and to be punished when they make mistakes; they need guidance and feedback. They need information and support. They need patience. They need to be listened to, validated and respected. They need a supporter rather than a dictator, an ally not an adversary. A wing-man. A partner. A friend.  They need doors opened to them rather than closed. They need a guide, not a policeman. They need a shepherdess.

So I encourage you to come here and ask questions, share your stories, concerns, problems and tips with us and maybe I will use them in my next book!  Here’s to progressive parenting and more peaceful homes around the world!

- The Shepherdess