Attachment Parenting: An Inconvenient Truth?

To steal a phrase, it is indeed an inconvenient truth to the economy and society that children need our attachment, our closeness and our gentle guidance as mothers. History has seen many inconvenient truths come to light over the centuries, such as the need to abolish black slavery, child labour and female oppression, to name but a mere few. The inconvenience of their abolishment didn’t make them any the less necessary for the sake of humanity. Of course, those at the time who argued for change were ridiculed, disrespected and ignored until people started to listen. No-one likes to rock the boat and people commonly hate to question the status quo – life’s hard enough, right? But imagine for a moment
a world where Martin Luther King, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nelson Mandela, Emily Pankhurst or Rosa Parks chose not to ruffle feathers? What if they believed people who said that was just the way it has to be? What would the world look like now? Every one of us has the ability to help change the world, in our own small way, by the way we mother our children. Society has no more urgent task.
When you know the mother you want to be, then it’s time to take small steps towards that goal. Change each moment and go slowly and gently. Start with a kind word, a touch, a thought. Don’t try and change your entire self overnight because it will overwhelm you. Start by really looking and listening to your child. Hold their image in your mind and smile. If that helps then do it again and watch and wait. Your child is unique and so are you. Start to listen to yourself. If you have ever questioned your ability to be a mother and the choices you are making, know this – you were meant to be their mother, you were chosen and you know instinctively what to do – you just have to trust yourself. Claim back your right to mother the way nature intended, know you are helping the world change for the better and follow your heart and your child – they won’t let you down. – Chaley.

Prop them up now so they can stand on their own later

 Guest Post by Christina Robert, Single Mom on the Run

“Prop them up now so they can stand on their own later…”

—Christina Robert

The other day on a mothering blog someone was wondering how to get her three year old to stop screaming in her crib at night when the lights were turned out. She said she didn’t want her child to get “attached to co-sleeping” because she was three (which I am assuming means she wants to prioritize independence and self-reliance).

I replied that her child might be screaming when she is put in her crib because she is frightened. She might need the emotional support of her primary caregiver right now. I think so many people believe that it is important to “toughen up” our young children; to prepare them for the harsh realities that the world has to offer; to make them independent and strong as soon as possible.

I think that one of the greatest misunderstandings about attachment theory and the parenting practices that arise out of these theories is that the parenting adults do not want to help in the creation of strong and independent children. In actuality, they do. Just not at the age of three and not in this manner.

Between birth and five there is so much is going on neurologically in a child’s brain that it is almost unfathomable. These critical years set the stage for a child’s patterns of behavior. Their brains are developing at a quick pace and they are learning important physcial, social and emotional skills–all this and so much more. These are the vulnerable and the impressionable years. These are the years that children need to learn they can trust adults to meet their needs. This will serve as the foundation for their interactions with other children and other adults in the future..

The commonly-held misconception that children who sleep in their parent’s bed, or whose emotional needs are met consistently year after year, will somehow end up dependent and needy, is far from the truth. What many people don’t understand is that by consistently meeting the emotional needs of you child in the early years, you are paving the groundwork for future success and independence.

Children whose needs are met consistently and sensitively are more likely to be strong, securely-attached, and confident young adults and adults.
Responding consistently and sensitively to a child’s cries and needs during infancy and beyond teaches the child that they can rely on someone to help them meet their needs at a time when they are very dependent on their caregivers for survival. In contrast, NOT responding consistently and sensitively can lead to anxious and insecure young adults. When their needs are not being met, they learn to not trust those who are most important to them in their lives.

On the blog, I summed up my response with the following advice and metaphor: “Prop them up now so they can stand on their own later.”
I think this quote and idea captures the essence of what attachment theory teaches us about child development and about parenting practices that best meet the needs of your child.

So keep on responding to your child. A child screaming in the dark is afraid. He or she may be experiencing anxiety from the caregiver separation. Being left alone in a mostly dark room is not comforting and could even be traumatizing depending on the length of separation. Find out what your child needs and help them to get the input or reassurance that they need.

Again, Prop them up now so they can stand on their own later. You’ll be happy you did. Your child will be happier, more confident and better able to form happy, healthy relationships as an adult. All the things you wanted for you child and more.

 

Christina Robert has worked with families and children for the past ten years in many capacities. She has a PhD in Family Social Science and Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Minnesota, but feels being a parent has been her greatest teacher.

When Your Child Hurts the Baby

Guest Post By Naomi Aldort

Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves 

“Mommy, why do you need another Yonatan?” asked my first born looking at my growing belly.  I hugged him and said,  “I don’t need another Yonatan. There is no other Yonatan. You are the only “you” there will ever be and I love you so much.”

         No matter how much we explain and include a young child in welcoming a new sibling, he will not comprehend this concept any more than you would welcome another lover in your spouse’s life.

         In an extended family the situation is a lot easier, as mom is not the only caregiver. In the nuclear family, a seven-year-old would happily welcome a new baby as a wonderful addition, but a toddler or a young child who is still seeing himself as the needy one will have a lot of inner turmoil and needs your reassurance that she is still your darling child. It is not possible to eliminate the experience that comes with a new baby and there is nothing wrong with it. Instead the goal is to help your child to be powerful in the face of such a giant transition.

         You won’t be always able to provide everything your child wants, but you can always stay connected, loving and affirming of her feelings and her emotional strength. Go with her on her path as a loving guide climbing a steep and exciting mountain. She can climb it if you believe she can and if she can fully express herself along the way.

 Jealousy and playful healing

 The motionless infant is non-threatening to the child. As soon he crawls, the real shock settles in, “This is another person who gets in my way, gets mom and dad’s attention, and wants what I want.”

         The child whose former position as the only one in your arms is gone forever, can either feel anxious and helpless or excited and powerful, depending on your attitude. At some point, she  is likely to annoy or try to hurt the baby either playfully or as an expression of a desire to rid herself of the new invader. When you notice these budding anxieties, recognize her need and avoid moralizing or giving her the impression that the baby is more important than she is. You can validate her feelings by saying, “Do you sometimes wish to be with me all alone again, without the baby?”

         Listen to your child and make time to be with her and to let her know how much you cherish being with her alone. You can also tell her, “When I hold the baby, I love you. It doesn’t matter what and who I hold. I always love you.”

         Little snatching toys games may be harmless and enjoyed by the baby as much as by the older child. If the baby is frustrated, protect him by providing another way for your child to play the “snatch and cause screaming game” with you or with her father. For example, try playing power games in which you say, “Don’t take the towel off the knob,” and then, “Oh no, she took the towel,” as you run after her to get the towel to no avail. Being with an understanding and playful parent; she won’t doubt your love or her own value, and she won’t need to hurt the baby.

Notice when your child heals herself

Children who feel helpless about their loss will start their own healing games. A father asked my advice about his three year old who, shortly after the baby mastered crawling, started throwing clothes all over the bedroom. He was also more grumpy than usual and was annoying the baby all day long. The father tried to stop him from throwing the clothes, to explain to him why clothes should be put nicely in drawers… to no avail. After the guiding phone session with me, his inclination to stop his son’s action changed as described in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves:

         “…This time, when Chris entered the bedroom and gleefully emptied his drawers onto the floor, his father was ready. Seeing his clothes strewn about, he responded with a dramatic “Oh no!” which seemed to give Chris the sense of power he was looking for, “Aha, I got him.” Then his father folded the clothes and piled them back in the drawers so that Chris could repeat his self-made “therapy” again and again. Each time Chris threw the clothes out, his father responded with a louder and more dramatic “Oh no.” The game ended with the clothes all over the room and Dad “giving up” in exhaustion.

         For two months Chris continued to initiate this game; and for two months his father gasped dramatically and then picked up the clothes, folded them, and put them away to be thrown all over again. All the while, father trusted his son’s need to play this game in order to gain a sense of power and autonomy. Chris’s irritability and disturbing behaviors have gradually diminished. One day he stopped dumping his clothes on the floor and has never done it again. Not only has he became very organized but his relationship with his sister flourished.”

When playing power games, it is crucial not to take a child’s power away. If you are the one to stop the game or to control its direction, the child feels helpless all over again. Doing this cancels most of the emotional benefits of the game.

         A child who is aggressive toward the baby is telling you that she doubts your love and her own value. Saying, “But you love the baby, touch her nicely…” is not helpful as it contradicts her inner experience. This is not the time for “I love you” either. The young child who fantasizes hurting the baby will feel very guilty, “If mom only knew what I am imagining she would think I am horrible and will never love me.”

         The greatest relief for the child is to know that you know what is going on inside of her. If you know what her fantasies are and you still love her, then, and only then, she can live at peace with herself and feel worthy of your love. It doesn’t mean you let her hurt the baby; you don’t. But say, “yes” to her emotional expression. Take her to another room with a doll and let her show you what she imagines herself doing to the baby and let her know that you know how she feels, that it is fine to have these fantasies, and that you love her.

         Your child wants to do well, but cannot control herself (even if she covers up her feelings by pretending to laugh or not care.) She has no control over the fantasies nor over her actions. As one of my children (then five) once said, “Mommy, can the homeopath give me a remedy so I won’t want to hurt the baby? I want that.”

 Helpful strategies with a jealous child

Your child’s attachment needs are especially important when they are challenged by the presence of a new baby. Make a conscious design to meet your child’s needs:

• Get help; find an older child or a friend to hold the baby so you can be with your child.

• Plan one-on-one time with your child daily, when your spouse or a relative is at home and when the baby is asleep.

• If your child wants to be a baby again, embrace his play.

• Provide new exciting activities that help your child see the benefits of being older and point out how exciting it is. “We get to ride the bike… go to the zoo… read a book etc.”

• Listen and stay connected.

• Give your child outlets to express his fantasies and share your own similar childhood memories. Once fully expressed and validated, the child won’t need to hurt the real baby any more.

• Instead of clean house, have happy souls, instead of ready dinner, be a content mother.

• Get more sleep by keeping the children in your bed and going to sleep at the same time to maximize your rest (intimacy with your spouse is just as fun in the morning or afternoon.)

• If your baby goes to sleep earlier, give your child time with both parents, which he misses so much.

 ©Copyright Naomi Aldort

Naomi Aldort is the author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (in 14 languages.) Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops internationally. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines worldwide.

     Naomi Aldort is married and a mother of three thriving young adults. For free newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and products: www.AuthenticParent.com

Delighted to announce that my parenting book is now available for purchase!

After years of hard work  I am delighted to announce that the day I (and my patient family) have been waiting for has finally arrived.  My new parenting book, The Shepherdess,  is now available to purchase!

I really hope it is useful to those who read it.

- Chaley.

Why is the medical profession so uneducated about the benefits of extended breastfeeding?

As an advocate of extended breastfeeding for the benefit of mothers and children, I was pretty miffed to read this article today  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2146870/Breastfeed-year-old-Thats-just-selfish-wrong.html.  Dr Cannon’s views, of course, are nothing new but it got me thinking about how scary it is that our medical profession are so ill-informed and, therefore dangerous, when it comes to providing advice regarding extended breastfeeding. 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but this article is just frittered with falsehoods that I will address one by one.  In this article, Dr Ellie Cannon says:

1.  ”There is little evidence of any health benefits beyond the age of one. Breastfeeding babies is natural and normal – but in my opinion, breastfeeding your child up until three or even later is unnecessary.”  Wrong, wrong, wrong. According to Attachment Parenting guru Dr Sears,  The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. (Yes, you did read that right!) Even the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends mothers should breastfeed “at least until one year of age and then as long as baby and mother mutually want to.”  They make these recommendations because of the wealth of evidence of health benefits for extended breastfeeding for mother and child.  For mum it reduces the risk of uterine, ovarian, and breast cancers and they have a lower incidence of osteoporosis later in life.  For children,it reduces the chances of gastrointestinal illness, upper respiratory illness, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, heart disease, and on and on and on. Likewise, the babies nursed the longest scored the highest on the IQ tests.

2.”The attachment parenting crowd argue this is the way parents have been doing things for thousands of years. I’m not an anthropologist, but I do know that we’re living in an era when these things are not the norm.”  Well, that is the point isn’t it, that what is the ‘norm’ isn’t actually biologically normal.  And no you are not an anthropologist, but Katherine Dettwyler is.  A world renowned one at that, and she argues that, “In terms of the benefits of extended breastfeeding, there have been a number of studies comparing breastfed and bottlefed babies in terms of the frequency of various diseases, and also IQ achievement. In every case, the breastfed babies had lower risk of disease and higher IQs than the bottle-fed babies. In those studies that divided breastfed babies into categories based on length of breastfeeding, the babies breastfed the longest did better in terms of both lower disease and higher IQ. In other words, if the categories were 0-6 months of breastfeeding, 6-12 months, 12-18 months and 18-24+ months, then the 18-24+ month babies did the best, and the 12-18 month babies did the next best, and the 6-12 months babies did the next best, and the 0-6 months babies did the worst of the breastfed groups, but still much better than the bottlefeeding group. This has been shown for gastrointestinal illness, upper respiratory illness, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, heart disease, and on and on and on. Likewise, the babies nursed the longest scored the highest on the IQ tests”.

3.”no health professional would officially recommend co-sleeping, as there are concerns the baby is at increased risk from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome“. Um, yes they would and they do - in abundance.  A 1997 Pediatrics article outlined a study that observed night-time breastfeeding behavior in mother-infant pairs. The study found that co-sleeping led to increased breastfeeding. Because breastfeeding has been shown to have a protective effect against SIDS, then co-sleeping, which facilitates breastfeeding, might be protective against SIDS.
Another article published in Pediatrics suggests that co-sleeping has protective effects against SIDS because of an increase in the infant’s arousals and the mother’s responsiveness when the pair is co-sleeping.  Just this week, an announcement was made to the press that SIDS was reduced by breastfeeding – Queensland-based author of the SIDS review and safe sleeping expert, Adjunct Professor Jeanine Young, said consistent findings of studies over the past 15 years showed that along with maternal and infant health benefits, breastfeeding helped reduce the risk of SIDS. 

4.”The worry of many developmental psychologists is that extreme breastfeeding dampens this natural stage of a child’s development and serves only to indulge the mother: it gives her attention and a purpose“.   This is just utter hogwash.  Most developmental psychologists view attachment as incredibly important for optimum emotional health.  Dr Penelope Leach (Your Baby Your Child, 1995), conducted an anonymous survey of 150 infant health professionals and infant mental health professionals from 56 countries who were members of the World Association for Infant Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines. When asked what level of attachment they considered  to be the best from birth to 36 months, the majority said that from the infant’s point of view it was ‘very important’ for babies to have their mothers available to them ‘through most of each 24 hours’ for more than a year and ‘ideal’ for infants to be cared for ‘principally’ by their mothers for durations averaging 27 months’. 

5. “Children are sexually aware from a young age. They become interested in body parts and what they do. Breastfeeding a child old enough to walk over to his mother and open her shirt creates a confusing message about personal boundaries and our bodies.”  Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with this one.  Are there really still intelligent people in the civilised world who would believe this?  Maybe so, but I like to think that most parents know that affection, love, closeness, and attachment doesn’t ‘confuse’ a child, and there are no sexual overtones at all.  All they feel is love and connection with their parents.  Why would adults, particularly a medical professional, try to turn something so beautiful into something ugly.  As Dettwyler says, “Extended breastfeeding is NORMAL for our species.  Another important consideration for the older child is that they are able to maintain their emotional attachment to a person, rather than being forced to switch to an inanimate object such as a teddy bear or blanket. I think this sets the stage for a life of people-orientation, rather than materialism, and I think that is a good thing. I also can’t imagine living through the toddler years without that close loving connection to a child going through enormous changes, some of which are very frustrating to the child”

In conclusion, the evidence shows clearly that there are overwhelming benefits to both mother and child to practice extended breastfeeding.  What would be nice is for the medical profession to become better informed about this, especially when they are writing about it in the popular press and have great influence on new mothers.   My arguments on this subject are developed much more eloquently and in much greater detail in the Chapter – The Socialisation of Mothers in my book, The Shepherdess.

References:

http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-extended-breastfeeding—-handling-the-criticism.

Penelope Leach (Your Baby Your Child, 1995)

Katherine Dettwyler, The Natural Age to Wean, http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html

http://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/-/wa/13703909/cot-death-risk-lower-if-baby-is-breastfed/

Breastfeeding a 3-year-old is NORMAL for our species

Some online are calling it “perverted” and “dangerous” to nurse a 3-year-old, but “it’s normal for our species,” says Katherine Dettwyler, a professor of anthropology at the University of Delaware in Newark.

“It’s not perverted, it’s not sex, it’s not women doing it for some perverse need,” she says. “It’s normal like a nine-month pregnancy is normal.”

Dettwyler, who has published studies on breast-feeding, found that most children around the world are breast-fed for three to five years or longer.

What is Progressive Parenting?

‘The Shepherdess’ parenting philosophy is based on Progressive Parenting.  The progressive parenting theory has its roots in attachment theory, which was originally proposed by John Bowlby who stated that an infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. Attachment theory encourages parents to listen to their babies cues and respond. It argues that any training or controlling over a baby by following a routine (such as controlled crying or sleep training) is damaging to the child and the connection they have with their parents.   Backed up by the latest research in the fields of sociology, zoology, anthropology, child psychology, neurology and psycho-history, Progressive Parenting extends the AP philosophy past the early years, and argues that parents need to continue to follow their child’s cues and unique needs, avoiding all form of discipline and punishment including time-out, rewards, praise, shame, and smacking.

Every day I help parents who want to be more progressive in their approach to move away from control and closer to connection.  Is it easy?  No, not always –parenting is a tough gig no matter what style you adopt.  No denials here.  But what this approach does promise is more joy and harmony with your brood than you ever imagined possible.  Won’t kids end up as unruly monsters?  Let’s be clear here –  parents should keep their kids safe and encourage respectful, socially acceptable behaviour.  But there are ways to do that without being controlling to the extent that children don’t have choices and options.  Children are still learning and figuring out their world and to do that they don’t need their requests denied and to be punished when they make mistakes; they need guidance and feedback. They need information and support. They need patience. They need to be listened to, validated and respected. They need a supporter rather than a dictator, an ally not an adversary. A wing-man. A partner. A friend.  They need doors opened to them rather than closed. They need a guide, not a policeman. They need a shepherdess.

So I encourage you to come here and ask questions, share your stories, concerns, problems and tips with us and maybe I will use them in my next book!  Here’s to progressive parenting and more peaceful homes around the world!

- The Shepherdess

WHY I THINK THE ‘MOMMY WARS’ FUELLED BY TIME COVER IS A GOOD THING

The now infamous TIME magazine cover has generated an unprecedented amount of press coverage for attachment parenting. Many in the pro-camp are disgruntled that the ‘Are You Mom Enough?’  tagline has pit moms against each other.  Personally I think the tagline is entirely appropriate. The fields of sociology, anthropology, psycho-history, and biology all point towards this method of parenting being entirely biologically normal and necessary for optimum infant well-being. However, this intelligence is relatively new and, as yet, attachment or progressive parenting is not socially normal – yet.

Our current society tells us we should be put the mother before the child: heaven forbid that a mother should feel guilty or inferior! That’s why I think every mother should ask themselves every day if they are mom enough. It’s not a popular view, I know. Every mommy support site out there will tell you to ‘not beat yourself up’ when you have been less than kind to your child, and never to judge one other. Just remember though that behind every mother who is condoned in this way there is a small child behind the scenes who maybe is left to cry-it-out, is being constantly yelled at, or is denied the breast or the warmth of his parents at night. I’m not just picking on women here – the whole of society has to step up to the plate. We moms weren’t meant to do it alone and we need a heap of practical and emotional support to parent this way and dads, grandparents, aunties, uncles, neighbours and friends need to help us to undertake the most important job in the world – and for the world. So maybe the question shouldn’t be if we are mom enough but if we are all human enough to truly meet the needs of our young?

More Celebs Following Progressive Parenting Principles

More and more celebs are following progressive or attachment parenting principles. “Gossip Girl” star Kelly Rutherford and “Big Bang Theory” actress Mayim Bialik both made the headlines recently when they revealed publicly that they breastfed their toddlers; Rutherford even more so because she revealed her stance on the subject back in 2008. Bialik, who, in addition to being an actress and mother, is a neuroscientist, did extensive research on the subject and wrote a book about it: “Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way.”

“Brangelina” are allegedly ‘unschoolers’ and, along with Kevin Kline,  Kylie Bax and a host of others, they have openly admitted to co-sleeping with their kids for as long as they want. 

Angelina Jolie told Esquire magazine:  “Rightnow, Pax is sleeping in our bed. It’s kind of nice, him immediately knowing and feeling comfortable with us. Mad slept with me until Brad and I got together. They’re fun to sleep with. We have family sleep on Sundays. Everybody sleeps together.”

New Zealand model Kylie Bax told Woman’s Day magazine, after the birth of her second child, Dione Nefeli, “We have four people in the bed now!” (Her other child is daughter, Lito, 3.)

Kevin Kline, his wife Phoebe Cates, and their children, Owen, 16, and Greta, 13, still share a bed.  He told OK! Magazine,  “There is a theory that a child has to teach itself to go to sleep, and if every time it cries, you whisk them out of their bed — the jury is still out on that. But our kids still sleep in our bed”.

There are also a wealth of celebs caught on camera ‘wearing’ their babies, such as Julia Roberts and Naomi Watts,making the practice more acceptable.

The media, however, still depict extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping as “extreme” or “humorous”.  I loved the recent comedy Grown-Ups, but was pretty ticked off by the supposed joke about the older-than-average child still being breastfed by their mother as being crazy and unstable.  As a mother who tandem feeds a 3.5 year-old and a 2-year-old I don’t find it crazy, but totally natural and logical.  Hopefully, with more celebs following this parenting style the media might start portraying mothers following this style in a more positive light and not as a source of ridicule.

Time Magazine Cover of Breastfeeding Mum to a Three-year-old Causes Outrage

I was delighted to read this, but then equally saddened (although not surprised) that it caused outrage.  What is most interesting to me, particularly as a mum who tandem fed a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old, is when this mum says how she has given up trying to reason with the people who are appalled.  Those who think it is perverse, weird, selfish (I know – what is that one about!), and generally just icky I do still try to reason with, but I must admit I have yet to get anywhere.  Most just politely agree to disagree.

I am convinced, though, that in fifty years (or maybe less) as we begin to understand far more about child psychology, breastfeeding until our children are ready to give up will be the norm.  The idea of mother-led weaning will be unusual.  Here’s hoping!

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/time-magazine-cover-of-mum-breastfeeding-three-year-old-son-is-sure-to-raise-some-eyebrows/story-e6frf7lf-1226352688465